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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.