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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon