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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
?-- that guy is cute ?
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store