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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I look so young for my rage.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.