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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.