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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?