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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".