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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.