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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.