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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.