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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.