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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
thinking men should come with a carfax....
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?