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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
My anger management class pisses me off