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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"