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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
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Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.