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I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.