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Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."