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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.