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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.