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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF