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You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one