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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
The problem with diets is pizza.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Being alive is so expensive.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.