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When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
exercise........you mean extra fries
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.