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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)