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People will do odd things to get even.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.