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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.