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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Smelling another person should be a choice.