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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.