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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......