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Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree