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"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.