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Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"