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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
I’m late for a disappointment.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.