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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec