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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"