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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.