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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.