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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)