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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.