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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Bless me Father for I hit send.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.