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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
I play hard to get along with.