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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.