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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.