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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."