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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.