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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?