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Most problems can be solved with nudity
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.