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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.