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Vodka is just amazing water.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I forgot to post this earlier
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.