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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome