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Partying on my level requires years of training.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.