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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.