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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.