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I put the o in illiterate!
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.