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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.