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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........