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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.